These posts were supposed to be The Real Cancer Fight, and an auto correct typo made it the Fright, and I think that title works. I'll stick with it.
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My last post was about what people expect to see when they hear someone is fighting cancer. Loved ones, friends, family, colleagues. They expect the time at home from surgery, the fatigue from chemo, the hair loss and changes in looks. Then all that is done, the next scan "looks clear" (we know that means nothing at this point, and that is another post). So what are they left to do?
From their viewpoint it's all done, You've Beat It! (pun intended) You WON! You come back to work, mainly because you need the money, and they all welcome you back. "Good job!" "Great Fight, You Won This!" And all that praise feels good.
For a few days.
I'll start here from the surgery (orchiectomy). We all had hoped that was it, it wouldn't come back, they got it all. A few weeks and I'm back at work. The scar still hurts. Even though it's only been a few weeks, word has gotten around. Eveyone I see tells me "Good Job!", "Great to have you back!", "You beat this!". But I notice other things. The looks they give me. The sideways glances that tell me they don't know what to say. They wonder if they should mention it, or just ignore it and act like it's business as usual. They aren't sure how to act around me now.
Every step reminds me of what is gone. The scar heals, the pain is gone, but the reminder is there, with every step. They don't know if they should acknowledge my Cancer. It's as fresh for me as it is them. I don't want to acknowledge it. So I don't bring it up either. Every interaction is painfully awkward. It's that thing that everyone is thinking about, yet no one eve mentions.
And here is the start of the Real Cancer Fright (now, I am loving this typo). I'm feeling all these changes, even before it gets deep into my head. I'm still trying to understand why my body tried to kill me, and no one wants to talk about it. They all know, but want to move on like nothing happened. I can't move on, because it did fucking happen. Every interaction shows me this disparity, an impasse neither of us can cross yet.
Then things changed. I started thinking "I beat this!" (coming up in Part II, why that might be a bad thing to think). I was walking tall, thinking I was done with Cancer. And two things evolved out of that thinking.
First, I felt like a fraud. At the time, I hadn't needed chemo or the RPLND. I was in a Facebook group for TC, and I read so much about what others were going through. I hadn't gone through that (yet). So who am I to say I beat Cancer? I had a surgery. That wasn't work. I didn't fight through this.
Second, everyone else told me I beat Cancer. See previous paragraph. They don't know how hard it could have been, or how little I had done at that point. Even if they knew someone who had done that hard fight, they knew I didn't do that (yet). Who are they to praise me on something I hadn't done?
For some reason, it really pissed me of that I didn't get to go through that "real" Cancer fight. Not that I wanted to, mind you. But in some strange way, even though I had the fears and mental anguish Cancer can bring, I missed having the real fight. Sure I had the orchi surgery, and I'm forever altered. But I can learn to live with that, even forget it. (And I did. Withing a few months, I forgot one of the boys was missing.) So where is the constant reminder that I "beat" Cancer? Where is the reminder I can use to be an advocate for cancer research? Other than the few weeks missed work, how had it changed me, at that point? I had/have Cancer, and I was angry that it didn't change me like I thought it would.
And then... it did.
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I know this post is subtitled "Anger", but there were so many emotions at this point. I tried to bring in the Anger in his post, but really, this whole journey has been filled with so many different emotions, there isn't really a way yet to post only based on emotions.
I'll probably leave off the emotions tags on future posts. I just need to tell my story right now. Perhaps later, I can provide an emotions based directors cut of these posts.
