This is a random, not related to cancer, meta post. My last few posts, somehow the system ignored my paragraph breaks. I thought it might be because I wrote them on an iPad, and there might be a Unix vs windows line break issue. But I redid the line breaks editing on android, and no fix. (Paragraph break here as android test) I'll figure out how to fix the wall of text soon. EDIT: even posting on android doesn't preserve the line breaks. Bug report pending...

It doesn't go away...

This started as a Facebook post, and I felt I needed to keep writing, so here's the rest... "So I had blood drawn and CT scans last week. Met with the doc today, and he said the tests looked good, the scans were clear. This is 4 months post orchiectomy, so... so far things are looking good, physically. Mentally, all the fears and scares from 4 months ago are coming back. The physical stuff I think we can all push through. It's the mental stuff we need help with. Since this cancer typically hits at such a young age, it really makes us question our mortality. And that isn't easy to do, at any age, much less our demographic."

The ages that TC hits, statistically, 20-34 years old. It's the age most men are trying to make their career. Probably fresh out of college, trying to make something with their degree. Possibly into their first job out of college, looking at the rungs of the corporate ladder they want to climb. Or not. Maybe they are stuck working at Burger King or Walmart, wondering if and how they might be able to get a real career. Or hell, maybe they really just want to flip burgers or stock shelves for now. We all have our own goals.

And none of them include getting cancer. As young men, none of us really think about how we might die. We're young, we're invincible, we can drink and smoke and party all we want right? Then comes the cancer.

We don't deserve this. We didn't do anything that might cause this. The very things we were counting on, out on a good night at the bar, betrayed us and tried to kill us! We didn't ask for this, but it happened. And we got through that. We lived! Woohoo!

But we have cancer. It's not gone yet, or so the doctors say. They want more scans, more tests, and every time, the feeling comes back.

I was young, I shouldn't have cancer. This shoudln't happen to me. I was young. I shouldn't have cancer.

We're not young anymore.

Getting this diagnosis is not easy, nor is the treatment afterwards. And I still stand in awe of those guys going through the chemo and RPLND. You all have my respect. That is not easy, physically. But I want to bring us all together mentally.

From stories I've read, this fear never goes awlay. No-ballers, Uni-ballers, and those that stand by their men through all this, let's stand up and help those with that fear. I'm not out of that fear. And one day, I hope I can be one to help others through what I'm in right now.

I'm not really over this yet

I've seen it called "scan anxiety", and that pretty much explains what I'm feeling right now. It's been 3 months since meeting with the oncologist, nearly 4 months since the surgery. The post surgery blood tests and scans, I was told,looked good. Nothing they could see on the scans, blood markers were coming down as expected. The oncologist said the surgery probably got it all. So overall, good news... At the time... And now I have more blood tests, more scans, and another meeting with the oncologist. And I wonder. Not necessarily worry, but I wonder, what if it is still in there, what if this isn't over. Intellectually, I know this won't be over for years, there will still be scans and tests to be sure it's gone. But I wonder, how will we ever know? I've read stories of some people that have had it come back 20 or 30 years later. Was it related, or was it just the other ball that went rogue, independent of the first time? Can we ever know the difference? I think the biggest thing, I'm scared. If it does come back, I know I'll either need a RPLND (major stem-to-stern surgery) or chemo, or both. And both of those really scare me. Granted the Facebook group I'm in, the other forum posts I've seen, most people only post when they have problems, and those problems are all I've seen about this. Odds are, so many other guys go through this with no problem, yet never post about it. I guess that is part of the point of this blog. I try to post when I'm feeling better about this, coming to terms with it, hoping to provide a place where guys can read about how it's not so scary, and we can get through it. But at the same time, it's fucking scary, and I hope to let other guys know, it's okay to be scared. That's why I'm writing my fears on here. It's okay to be scared. I'm going to repeat that. It's okay to be scared. That's an entirely new idea for me. Whether I was 16 and afraid of asking a girl out, 24 and afraid losing my job when applying for a new one, 33 and hating my job and afraid of applying for jobs with requirements that I don't have experience, 34 and getting cancer. In each of those situations, I was afraid, but I forged through anyway. And things happened. I lost the girl, turns out she was never loyal and cheated on those she cheated with. The job fell through, and, in a long weird chain of events, I found my wife. I applied for those jobs I didn't quite have the experience for, and I got it. Now it's turning out this new job is probably the best one I've ever had. And I'll fight though this cancer fear. I might need chemo, and be sick and tired for weeks at a time. I might need the RPLND, which will probably be 6-8 weeks recovery, if not more. Or I might need nothing, once we see the scans and blood work. But seeing my old fears, I see that life moves on, often in better ways. So I'll move on. The say "Hope for the best, plan for the worst". So I'll hope the tests show all clear, and I'll get some good books to read, queue up some interesting series to watch, if I have to be out of work, and have to really start this fight. But I still hope I don't have to fight, physically, anymore. The mental fight will go on for at least a few years.