I'm not really over this yet

I've seen it called "scan anxiety", and that pretty much explains what I'm feeling right now. It's been 3 months since meeting with the oncologist, nearly 4 months since the surgery. The post surgery blood tests and scans, I was told,looked good. Nothing they could see on the scans, blood markers were coming down as expected. The oncologist said the surgery probably got it all. So overall, good news... At the time... And now I have more blood tests, more scans, and another meeting with the oncologist. And I wonder. Not necessarily worry, but I wonder, what if it is still in there, what if this isn't over. Intellectually, I know this won't be over for years, there will still be scans and tests to be sure it's gone. But I wonder, how will we ever know? I've read stories of some people that have had it come back 20 or 30 years later. Was it related, or was it just the other ball that went rogue, independent of the first time? Can we ever know the difference? I think the biggest thing, I'm scared. If it does come back, I know I'll either need a RPLND (major stem-to-stern surgery) or chemo, or both. And both of those really scare me. Granted the Facebook group I'm in, the other forum posts I've seen, most people only post when they have problems, and those problems are all I've seen about this. Odds are, so many other guys go through this with no problem, yet never post about it. I guess that is part of the point of this blog. I try to post when I'm feeling better about this, coming to terms with it, hoping to provide a place where guys can read about how it's not so scary, and we can get through it. But at the same time, it's fucking scary, and I hope to let other guys know, it's okay to be scared. That's why I'm writing my fears on here. It's okay to be scared. I'm going to repeat that. It's okay to be scared. That's an entirely new idea for me. Whether I was 16 and afraid of asking a girl out, 24 and afraid losing my job when applying for a new one, 33 and hating my job and afraid of applying for jobs with requirements that I don't have experience, 34 and getting cancer. In each of those situations, I was afraid, but I forged through anyway. And things happened. I lost the girl, turns out she was never loyal and cheated on those she cheated with. The job fell through, and, in a long weird chain of events, I found my wife. I applied for those jobs I didn't quite have the experience for, and I got it. Now it's turning out this new job is probably the best one I've ever had. And I'll fight though this cancer fear. I might need chemo, and be sick and tired for weeks at a time. I might need the RPLND, which will probably be 6-8 weeks recovery, if not more. Or I might need nothing, once we see the scans and blood work. But seeing my old fears, I see that life moves on, often in better ways. So I'll move on. The say "Hope for the best, plan for the worst". So I'll hope the tests show all clear, and I'll get some good books to read, queue up some interesting series to watch, if I have to be out of work, and have to really start this fight. But I still hope I don't have to fight, physically, anymore. The mental fight will go on for at least a few years.