You all think you're done...

... yet I'm not. You all hear I'm on surveillance, and you all think that is the end. I have two (or more) points. Surveillance is not the end of this. It's just checking to make sure my demon doesn't come back. I've read stories about seminomas, that after 12 years it came back, and he lost that last fight. From what they can see, I'm clear. But what if? What if it's still there, waiting? What if, years from now, the universe decided I'm done? Every step I take it feel lopsided, every step I remember what happened. Every step I remember my own body tried to kill me. Every step, every pain, every weird feeling, I wonder if it's back. Did you go read the post I linked last time? Granted that blogger was in a much worse situation than I am. Yet he made it to 5 years, cancer free. But it's not the cancer free that survivors are looking for. If you read the post, it was two years after the chemo and surgeries when it really hit him. I don't want to wait two years to realize how this has changed my outlook on life. But at the same time, I don't want to realize NOW how this has changed my life. I want to believe the surgery got it all, and we're done. I want to believe that I'm done. But I can't. Everyone else wants to believe that, because they can. It's not in their bodies, it's not forever stuck in their brains how close to the end it could have been. They can try to feel how close to the end it was, but it's not the same. They could have, and still might eventually, lose someone they love. A single person. I might still lose it all, everyone I love, pardon my French, I might still lose you all. I am one, y'all are a lot. I'm not trying to say I'm dying. I'm just trying to process the fact that this might still kill me one day, and that it could have killed me in the past month. But in trying to process that, it makes me wonder. There is, be definition a disconnect. You all could have lost me, a single man. Yet at the same time, I could have lost all of you. Let's let that sink in for a minute. You all have one man to lose. I have a loving wife, some beautiful daughters, a brother and parents, extended family and inlaws, nieces and nephews, all that love to lose. Think about all that. I want to say, you have my single love to lose. I have all of your love to lose. Before you decide you're happy that I'm in surveillance now, please understand how much more I stood to lose, and how afraid I am that this isn't over. This isn't over for at least the next two years, yes YEARS! And every day I'll be afraid that my own body, the only one I've got, is going to try to kill me again. Before you're happy for me, please try to understand this. I'm not happy, yet. I'm still fucking scared. And will be for a while.