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Original Post
The way cancer is shown in the media, and the way everyone sees it, everyone thinks the fight is the doctors, the surgeries, the chemo. But that is others fighting the cancer. That is the easy part that they can see and say "yeah, fight this". The real fight is later, in the survivors head, in our heads. Its quiet, unseen, and ignored mostly. And it's harder than going through any surgery or chemo. They can't see it, and so they don't cheer us on. Trying to deal with the betrayal of our own bodies isn't easy.
I might expand on this later, just needed to get it out. It's been in my head for a while. Going through a rough patch right now. I got used to how it felt after the orchi, but now the neuropathy from chemo is setting in. Every step reminds me of what happened.
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Yes some of this will be verbatim, I just need to get some of these thoughts out. So sue me.
Unless (and sometimes even if) you know someone going through it, a loved one, close friend, colleague, then you have a certain view of it, that is continually shown in the media. The media (TV, movies, most produced money making content) has a tendency to show Cancer in one particular way.
- There's the scare, "That's probably not good, maybe I should get it checked out.".
- The diagnosis, "Our tests show elevated tumor markers, and the ultrasound shows it's Cancer."
- The operation, "So I've scheduled you for a surgery next week. Hopefully we caught it early enough that the surgery will get it all."
- The follow up, "The tumor had some minor lymph involvement."
- Scans galore, "We found an enlarged lymph node, and the PET scan shows it's active."
- Chemo, "There will be some side effects, mostly we'll be concerned about a compromised immune system."
- The finale, "The last PET scan shows no activity, but we need to keep up with the scans for the next few years."
(These are all events in my own treatment, maybe I should get a movie deal.)
And then between all of these, Hollywood will insert some comedic sidekicks to make jokes, maybe a wife/girlfriend to hold a hand, someone shaves their head in solidarity. Then the story finishes up, they found love, or stood up for themselves, now they are in remission, and we all applaud. Gotta make the moneys, I guess.
That is the Cancer fight everyone knows, and expects to see.
That is NOT the Cancer fight that the Cancer patients go through. That is NOT the fight that no one sees.
(After this, I talk about my own experience, but it can probably be applied to anyone going through Cancer.)
I'm getting tired of hearing people tell me to "fight the Cancer". The fight they expect to see is not my fight. They want to see the doctors and nurses do things to me. The fight they expect is the doctors and nurses fighting. That is not my fight. My fight is silent.
My fight, from the beginning, is holding myself together, so I can hold my wife and two little girls together. I had wanted my wife there when I found out if it was Cancer. Turns out, the tests, (and all timelines when dealing with Cancer, apparently), are accelerated. I heard those words alone. Then I had to come home and tell my wife. Holding myself together, while she cries about it. That is my fight.
Sending an 11 word email. "I was just diagnosed with cancer. I'm not coming in today." That is a small victory in my fight (I was not happy with work at the time, so sending a "FU, I'm not coming in today" email, even under these circumstances, made me happy).
Surgery. Never fun in any circumstance. But in this case, I lost one of the boys. Once I could get up and around again, just walking felt weird. Every step reminded me of what I lost. But I also lost the Cancer that was in it, so yay me? Until I remembered what it tried to do to me. This is my fight.
Trying to stay present, and active with my kids, knowing I have this monster in me, just waiting to rear it's head in a lymph node and come back. Living in fear it might come back, and just trying desperately to let them know how much I love them, without putting my fears on them. That is my fight.
Being told there is activity in a lymph node. And I get the choice of chemo or radiation. I can talk to a radiation specialist... in 3 weeks. I got the surgery in 5 days, why do I have to wait for weeks to talk to this person? What kind of choice is this?! "Cancer is killing you, how would you like us to kill you first?" Being consumed by that choice for weeks. Basically choosing how to die. (I've described chemo as drugs that kill everything, and they just hope the Cancer dies first. And then radiation is, well, a killer in it's own way, regardless of dosage or usage. The only variable is time there.) That is my fight.
So I chose chemo. So far so good, 4 rounds of this cocktail, nausea isn't that bad, I'm really just tired most of the time. Not as bad as I thought it would be. But I'm out of work for the duration. Bills still need to be paid. My kids are still there and looking to me. It's not easy trying to explain the medicine that will make me better is going to hurt me first. They don't quite get it. I know the science, and I don't quite get it. I'm not working, so what do I do. I feel useless now. Who am I, if not what I do? Regardless of work or housework or parenting, most of which I can't do anymore, who am I now? This is my fight.
These are still during the Hollywood Cancer fight. These are my small battles to get though while everyone else sees the doctors and nurses fight. They aren't seeing my small fight in there. To everyone else looking in, they see this as the big fight. Get through this and we're done, I lived, they are all so happy.
Now the real fight begins. My real fight, a fight that no one can see, is rarely ever shown in media. A fight that is harder than anything anyone can understand, unless you've been there. The next post I'll put down some thoughts on that the real Cancer fight is about.
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